These clothes can't buy you love

all photography by Fiona Montagne 

I use to walk into a clothing store and had this overwhelming need to buy something. I've always loved fashion and for years I told myself that this insatiable urge was there to feed my passion. I thought that it was normal to constantly yearn for material things. I had a closet full of clothes and constantly wanted more. It wasn't enough. I eventually realized that my need for stuff was rooted in how I viewed my worth. Acquiring things or in my case shopping gave me temporary validation that I was enough. I had to acknowledge the bullshit I was feeding myself and it was not easy. When I launched my personal styling company www.lauratully.co almost three years ago it made me conscious of what I wanted to bring to the table for myself and the people I serve. I want style and fashion to be accessible, inclusive and serve as a vehicle for the bigger picture of what my clients are working to create. 

I decided to let go of the power I gave to material things and it made room for all of me to show up as is. All the good, bad and in between is worthy. It was a daily chat with myself that triggered the alarm that believing that you are enough will allow you to choose what brings you towards your best self. I edited my negative thoughts, let go of people who didn't serve the good I wanted to build and became intentional about the things I brought into my space. 

Now when I shop for myself and my clients it comes from a very happy place. It's filled with love, intention, and purpose. Like I said before, it's a process. It doesn't happen overnight. I had the chance to listen to life stories shared by men and women who were in their 90's. No one regrets not buying a pair of shoes ;) or wanting more stuff. What they shared was wanting more time to love, savior and enjoy the people who are in their lives. I've decided to choose people. The stuff that comes into my life will serve as a well-chosen addition to the big picture of whatever goodness I want to create. I hope you will do the same #worthy. 

Tips to feeding your mental meter

"Don't block your exits." - LT        All photography by the talented Fiona Montagne

What does busy even mean anymore?! I've said that word so many times that it has completely lost its meaning and mojo. Busy had become this filler word that fed my unproductive behaviors. I had to develop systems that forced me to rescue my sanity and gain REAL productivity. A few months back I logged the number of times I deviated from a project to check FB, IG, get a snack, drink some water, check the fridge, text my sister a random meme, check the fridge again and it was an obscene amount of time wasted. It was cra!!! I noticed losing control over my time lead me to unwanted and non-productive stress. So I've developed a few strategies that have helped me to calm my mind and take back some of my precious time and I hope it can help you do the same. Side note- this is all a practice and some days I slay it and some, not so much. Give yourself the space to know that you are trying. 

I write it ALL down

For me writing is important. You're probably saying that's what my notes, apps or whatever system you have developed to track your "to do's" is for. If it works for you, keep it going! If it doesn't give this a try. The act of writing down all the things I have to do helps me to see what needs to be set in the correct category. I have 3: High priority ( this includes my work, project deadlines, bill pay, Maddie cakes, hubby, family and friends); Create- these are upcoming projects that are further out, networking, reading, learning; This and that stuff- these are everyday life things that we have to get done- grocery shop, dry cleaning, clean house, laundry, etc. I then schedule each category item on my phone and paper calendar. It's not about trying to get everything done. It's about clearing your mental space so that you can focus on the meat and potatoes of your day. 

Put the phone down

It might be one of the hardest things you have to do but oh my peas and carrots it will blow your mind!!!! What it does. You will find yourself actually listening fully, engaging and one of the biggest gifts, being PRESENT. The act of being present in your life allows you to savor moments in a way that helps us become our best self. Listening to my stepdaughter's 15-minute explanation of what sparks her interest in the show Stranger Things allowed me to also get the peppered information about her standing up to a friend for making a sexist remark. Tomorrow wants you but the "right now" really needs you. 

I kicked "finding balance" to da curb

I thought that through sheer persistence that I would reach this space called "balance" where my "to-do's" somehow became perfectly aligned. I've noticed that this is something that doesn't exist for me and that's ok. This process is not about diminishing effort and trying. It's about embracing that today I will work on doing my damn best to take care of what is most important and tomorrow will be another day. Feeling less about your efforts because we are trying to accomplish more for the sake of "balance" strips us from the good work we are putting in. Today is yours. Go *all in* on what you can today and tomorrow will be another day. 

denim jacket- Derek Lam        dress- Target       boots- Tamaris

My Mental Methods of Embracing Imperfection

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."   E.E Cummings

Growing up I remember trying to tame my limbs. My long lanky arms and legs had a mind of their own. I felt as if I was always mentally chasing to catch up to the length they were becoming. The physical attributes of being a praying mantis of sorts, also affected what I thought I should be, in order to handle what my body was trying to become. My bold personality became a bit more timid and I found myself in my teen years trying not to be noticed. It wasn't until much later on in my mid 20's, where I started to get in "good" with who I was trying to become. 

It's so strange to think of that girl then and the women I am now. 

All photos taken by my adorable and talented stepdaughter Maddie :)

I'm extending gratefulness to that awkwardly uncertain girl. I was able to experience some real life lessons that allowed me to stay true to what my parents taught me and some, well, they were learned the hard way. That's the beauty of hindsight, the ability of have this reflective quality on how we see things. As a stepmom to a vibrant and precocious 11 year old daughter, I am even more keenly aware of how we, as a family, encourage and foster her individuality. I wasn't faced with the onslaught of tech devices that allowed me to stray from reality with a swipe or a tap. It's important that I remind, not just myself, but her as well, where true value lies.

The less you try to fit in, the better you fit with yourself.

We can be our worst critics at time. The comparison game can stifle what you are trying to create. So I've found it helpful to operate on "just be who you are" mode and the true, honest, genuine people who want to be in your life or connect with you, will happen. The pretend game will catch up to you very fast, not to mention, acting like someone else is  f-bomb exhausting. It's a process and I promise you, clarity happens. You will gain friends, some friendships will become even stronger and at times, you will have to say goodbye to people who were once in your life. It's all part of the process. So show up, just as you are. 

Social media is not "real life" but you can generate "real connections" from it

Our immediate connection to what others are doing on Fb, IG and all the other social avenues out there can make us feel, well, less connected with our own lives. When you feel this way, revisit my "just be who you are" mode :) I found it best to stick to the best of what social media is intended for. It has the power to fuel positive change, make waves in how we view our world and generate genuine connections. You can meet really amazing, talented and authentic people. Your tribe can extend beyond where you are. So cool, right?! We can develop relationships that before, weren't as easy to foster. 

awkwardness, welcomed.

Flaws can give you wings

Recognizing the imperfect in ourselves can be the catalyst for compassion. Not just towards ourselves but to others as well. Compassion allows me to pause on quick judgements that can easily taint what we are trying to develop. Which are relationships built on integrity, love and anchored with moral grit.   

Influence, kindness

I've learned the most from people who were different from me. That's the cool factor of diversity. You get to pick up bits and pieces of knowledge from those who's experiences have taught them something that differs from yours. To me, that's worth sharing. Our opinions might differ and this is a good thing. We cannot all think the same way. The underlying current of these real-life conversations should come from a place of respect. It's recognizing our ability to influence these vibrant discussions, through kindness. The things that challenges us, at times can be the most difficult. The growth and progress from it, is *so* worth it!

Top: H & M 

Becoming My Best Self From Being a Stepmom

It starts with hearing a great beat. Hips sway, feet tapping and I nod my head left to right, right to left. She throws her hand in the air like she just don't care. We look at each other and we know it's about to go down. The volume gets cranked up higher and the dance party ensues. Cooper our cat clears the area quickly. Let's just say he frowns on participating. We laugh hard. Sometimes we're on a stage belting out the tunes ( off key and blissfully committed),  sometimes its dancing our hearts out at our own private party ( moves like jagger or sort of). We collapse on the floor, giggling , maybe throwing an exhausted hive five and then we just lay for a bit. That's just one of the many moments that makes me joyful to have my stepdaughter Maddie in my life.  

The pictures taken are mostly captured by this tiny human that reminds me that life is best lived dancing a bit more, laughing a bit longer and to always choose the chocolate cupcake ( cuz it's yum!!). For her 11th birthday, Britney ( Maddie's Mom) and I surprised her by granting her many request for a girls trip. We both get a bit mushy at the thought of her wanting to hang out with us, so our plan is to shamelessly take full advantage if it for as long as we can. I wanted to share the deeper meaning behind what has helped me to develop this relationship with Britney and of course the fun pictures of our trip :) As my life continues to change, so do my roles as a wife, stepmom, business owner, friend and person. Which for me was finding my own balance and knowing that struggles are just as valuable in asserting that balance. I pay more attention to the journey  ( and continue to learn) because it dishes out some real knowledge. Some of these lessons unexpectedly taught by my Maddie cakes.  

The magic is in the effort

I became a Stepmom 11 years ago  and it redefined so much of what I thought love meant. Really, what I thought my life would look like. Husband, wife, child. It challenged me to see beyond what I thought was normal family life and insisted that we as a family step up to the plate repeatedly. There's no special trick to the relationship that we've developed between myself and Maddie's mom Brit. The journey took effort and allowing ourselves to see beyond the "I want right now" towards "what's the best for this little person we all love." It made the uncertainties a bit clearer because we got on the same page. A whole bunch of people dedicated to raising a human that will be make efforts to be her best self. 

Take the high road and wear something cute

At times it easier said then done. At times is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious hard to take the high road. So I keep in mind that the low roads come stacked with baggage and distasteful consequences. Which I prefer not to include in my world. So I take a breather and step up to the plate with words that won't cause more hurt, diffuses and helps to some sort of solution. By the way, this is always a work in progress but it gets easier because you see why it's worth it. 

Love is a game-changer

She's kind, creative, always asking questions and never stops talking. She interrupts adult conversations because she wants to be part of the chatter, takes forever to get dress and let's not even talk about how long it takes her to eat. She paints, draws, creates a magical story on a whim and leaves notes that make me melt every time. She loves to help me cook which takes longer but so worth it. She still wants to hang out with me so she's all up in my business :) She's not a baby anymore so her tween attitude flares up every now and then and it makes me give her the look my Mom use to give me. You know that look that says "child don't you even". She's my little fashion assistant and have told me she'll receive all my clothes when she grows up. She tells me to put my phone down when we talk so I REALLY listen and grabs my hands as we're walking just because. I love her to pieces and this love gives me the freedom to take in the unpretty moments because the good ones, always trump. Love makes me recognize that my mess ups for today is just as valuable to my victories of tomorrow. The learning is endless, luckily I have this amazing little human in my world and we will guide each other along the way. 

I've been fueled by the positive responses and know that I'm not alone. I would LOVE  to hear how you work through life as a blended family and the teachings it's given to you. As always, I'm listening.